seriously, this post ain’t suppose to be emo.
it’s just probably my way of reminding myself of certain things in life.
it’s just probably my way of telling myself how do i walk from here.
it’s just probably my way for facing up to myself.
it’s just probably my act of cowardly.
someone told me before, “you know who you are, so don’t give yourself an excuse when you know things are not going well and by saying you don’t know who you are.”
i denyy when he said that.
but i realised he was right all along.
i had too many excuses up my sleeves.
but he took it all and left with a heavy heart.
i’m always hiding in that shell not wanting to face up to anything that happen and by giving myself tons of excuse to run towards the nearest exit i can ever find, and to think at the back of the mind that by exiting, that’s the fastest way to solve any other problem. I was wrong. so wrong.
and someone told me that the problem with me is that i’m not honest.
in fact, 2 person told me that.
and they were undeniably true.
i just refused to learn.
i know people had heard me countless time talking about senseless things and grumbling about how life sucks so badly and all.
but i had never stop and think what was wrong.
and it all make sense when i stop and think for a while.
it was me, not wanting to face up to anything in life, claiming whatever bad that come along to be my cause, grumbling about things and very openly not wanting to deal with the things. i thought by taking the blame and all, we could get things solve and all, make everyone feel better and all, but i was wrong, probably i was just finding a way to make myself feel better with the guilt and the fastest exit and all. and all this is a lousy side of me, that i really wanna put behind. so let it go and learn from it.
people say, “talk is cheap.” and it pretty much makes sense in my case.
all i do is talk talk talk, grumble grumble grumble, avoid avoid avoid, and not making things happen, no action at all.
and then expect things to happen, which of course don’t happen.
stupid girl i say.
all my 21 years of life had been lead this way, following people’s view, not wanting to stand up on my own, escaping from everything, not knowing how to handle things, and i suddenly i don’t see myself being a 22 year old, because i feel immature for my age. i feel ashamed if you ask.
and another person was right, it’s time i wake up.
and that it was time, and you saw it coming.
i’m sorry, that i let the people who have high expectation on me down.
i’m sorry, i push away everything that was in placed for me.
shunning responsibility and the courage to face things.
and a few months back, i can never deny i was singing another tune to you, and i was stuck at that very moment, and now you were surprised when i say all this to you. be it my life or work, i think i know what i should do now. you said when you were my age, you woke up from everything too. and you gave up on telling me things, because i just couldn’t listen. so thank you for being 1 of the very advisor in my life, and thank you for having faith in me, despite me being not sensible at times. i’m picking up the pieces 1 by 1, making everything work, giving myself no room for anymore excuses to take things so easy anymore. and everyone deserve a chance to make things right, right? and i guess, it’s time to come to senses and do the right thing, and stop procrastinating.
and it took these few people in my life to tell me, no doubt i feel ashamed.
but i glad at least, the words went in this time round.
and because of the family who constantly worrying about me, i can never have enough apologies for them, and because of the people who gave up on me, i can never expressed enough regrets, and because of the people who still have faith in me, i can never thank them enough, the least i could do now is to work harder, grow up abit, talk with more sense, think properly, don’t be so childish, don’t be so lame, don’t be so reckless, less hot tempered, learn to cherish the things i have now and of course, be the person i see myself in 5 years time.
please don’t lose faith in me.
i thought i lost mine.
whatever that comes along the way, i will take it all, positively.
