i’ll hold yesterday in my heart;

The thing people forget is how good it can feel when you finally set secrets free. Whether good or bad, at least they’re out in the open. And once your secrets are out in the open, you don’t have to hide behind them anymore. The problem with secrets is even when you think you’re in control, you’re not.

sometimes i do love a straighthomeafterwork kinda thing. but it seems like the longest mrt ride, and the longest walk home. it feels good seeing my mum looking so surprise when i step into the house before 8.30pm, like as if she just seen a ghost. hhahaha. even though i might not talk to my mum that frequent, no doubt she still dote on me the most, giving me whatever i want, as long as it’s within her means. i’ve decided to be a better daughter. hahahah. i think it’s the age factor, as everyone grow older, you learnt certain stuff and learnt how to appreciate people more. I was a rebellion kid in my younger days, constantly talking back to her, going home late, or don’t even go home. Those were the days. She stop controlling me when i somehow turn 18, but i think it’s because of don that she never call and ask where am i and stuff? Cause either she felt at ease when i’m with don or she will call him to ask where am i? but ever since the breakup, she has been kinda worried about me, calling me at times to ask if i’m coming home, need a ride home, where i am going? that’s a mother for you man. hahahah. but they still gave me all the freedom i want. no doubt i love her the most. now that i’m 22, maybe a few years later i might get married and move out, and i can no longer act like a young girl who needs attention from the parents. hahha. time sure do pass fast. i seriously think the parents love for their kid is the most amazing type of love. from baby to me being 22 years old, it’s almost 1/4 of a century. it’s those kind of unconditional love. i salute to all the parents in the world. it’s never too late to make amends, so before i get married or move out, for now, i just wanna be my mum’s and dad’s little girl. =)

it felt like i have just been through a war. abit over but it just felt so. never have i felt this tired. it’s like the everything had me all down and covered with wounds. reality is the ugly truth of life. when reality kicks in, it sucks. everything in my life doesn’t seems to turn out good, everything. anything you name, i can be sure it sucks. i think i need a long getaway. time to cool down before i’m back to fight everything. nobody will be down for long, nobody will be up there for long. as much as i hate to think this way, i can’t wait to see you down and covered with wounds. kudos to you, cause you made me realise alot of things. It amaze me on how you can act like we never had anything before, act like it was me who brought upon everything that happened, and act like it was all okay to let go of everything and pretend we could be friends. because we were never friends to begin with. we were either not talking to each other or ignoring each other till we got together. what used to be us is nothing left now. i’m so tired of going through all this all over and over again. spare me the agony.

ever wonder what happen if your world come tumbling down suddenly? i seriously think i’m a coward when it’s come to stuff like this. cause i’m afraid of the truth and reality, they always bite you hard in the ass. and the scary thing is, you can’t fight them. i woke up this morning, hoping time would just pause for a while. i sat by the bed, told myself this year i’m turning 22. crazy i say. i ask myself if i have make any difference in anybody’s life, it occurs to me, that i don’t. Got pam, no pam, it makes no difference. it’s not like anyone need me to be in their life. i don’t know if it’s because i feel unappreciated or just that i’m useless, i think it’s that i’m useless. i realised i suck at alot of things, wishing i could be better than this pam. seriously i don’t think i know myself. always contridicting and confusing myself. who is pam. pam is who. i have no idea.

hoping my world doesn’t come tumbling down.

after a night of party, find myself so awake that i lay on bed till 8am to finally fall asleep only to wake up at 10am feeling so wide awake. and the thing is, i can’t seems to get back to sleep. I don’t know what kind of feeling i’m feeling now. It’s just, feeling tired i guess. These days all is nice and happy, no more emo moments. Not being emo now, i’m just thinking alot. Human feelings are complicated. too much complication makes me confused. I wonder if it was my fault, maybe you were right about everything. I changed. 2 incidents make me realised that i might have been silly all these while. naive or stupid, i don’t know. and that proved that you might be right all these while. But, it’s all alright now.

Lesson #1 Learnt: Once bitten, twice shy.
Lesson #2 Learnt: what you see and feel might not be real.

I like the way life is now, though sometimes it might suck pretty bad.
Overall, all is good and i’m happy. that’s what matters! =)
I seriously need some sleep………

they say, it’s good to be scared. It means you still have something to lose.

is it obligation?
or more of everything in a long run just seems too much?

There’s a point in your life when you get tired of fixing everything & trying to make everyone happy. When you finally decide to quit, it’s NOT giving up, its realising you dont need certain people and the bullshit they bring in to your life.

what is real, what is not?
who is real, who is not?
when will enough ever be enough?

very often, we build a shield around us, to prevent people from entering our life or to certain people, we just refuse to accept any kind of concern. Or no matter how hard we try, we can’t seems to be able to enter certain people’s world. it’s like no matter how hard you try, certain things just doesn’t fit together. Everyone is different in their own way. You cannot expect to be treated the same way as how you treat them. But in a bad way, revenge kinda way, it happens. Not in a good kind of way. I believe in putting trust into people I love and care about. It may not seems like a big deal, but to me, i guess it is. I don’t like the feeling of being wary of everyone. Isn’t it very tiring? Shouldn’t it be the word comfortable? But life is unfair, because when you let your guard down to people, it gives them a chance to hurt you. Not everyone is nice. It’s hard to tell who cares deep within the heart, and who just pretend to care. Maybe the truth is always there, just that we refuse to see it or pretend we didn’t see it.

AND very often, pam doesn’t know what she is talking about, the usuals i guess.
I’m starting to realise that, i do not know myself that well, my thoughts are always random and…ok nvm.

You know when you were younger, everytime you lost something, no matter how hard you look for it, it doesn’t appear. But when you don’t look for it and least expects it, they appear out of nowhere and surprise you. As we grew older, when we lost something and when we can’t find it, we gradually don’t bother about it, cause we can either get something similar or replace with it something else, it’s way too easy. Ok but the true thing is when you don’t look for it or don’t expect it to appear, they will appear somehow and take you by surprise.

When I was younger, I really liked chocolate. Each time I was unhappy, chocolate seems to take the unhappiness away and make me a happy kid again.. But when I grew older, I don’t really fancy chocolate that much. But what was there to replace that something that used to take my unhappiness away? I hate the feeling of everything bottled up in me and feeling like I’m gonna explode any minute. It’s like the inner me trying so much to want to speak out but the me just couldn’t let it out. Year 2008 was suppose to put an end to all the emoshits, but why am I instead of walking forward, I seems to be going back. But I’m just gonna take it slow, because I can no longer pretend that it doesn’t affect me that much and pretend that I’m all over when I’m not. What I need now is for you not to call me or appear infront of me. Somedays I just hope I stay in bed the whole day and not go out and appear all emo and infect the happy people with my emoness. Nobody likes an emo and depressed kid. I’m not ok. But I will be, in a while. There’s no point crying over spill milk when I already know what I want.

done here.

Happy New Year!
The start of a brand new year! I have no idea what lies ahead, but hopefully it will all be good. Getting drunk on the first day of the new year isn’t exactly that best thing but at least a lesson learnt and for the rest of 2008, there will be no playback. hahaha. But i had fun on new year eve. I love 2007, my 21st, my hp lost, getting promoted, new friends, lots of things learnt. It was a great year, but a new year sparks another addition to the age. I’ll be 22 in 9 months time, scary shit. Year 2008 marks a year where i seriously need to start thinking and be more sensible. Taking up more responsibility in every aspect of my life. For once, i wanna work hard and prove myself. Cheers to 2008. Whatever will come, will come. Whatever that i need to let go, i will let go. I just need time.

chanced upon this quote:
“You’re never going to get over it, but you’ll get used to it. Just let yourself feel what you need to feel, even if it hurts.”

 Wednesday night was another healthy week, from club street to acid bar, to dempsey for ben&jerrys and long ride back. it was a quiet night but i love just spending time relaxing or just chilling, a break away from the usual ladies night. i love! no doubt that the people make my life colourful apart from the emoshit. =)